Tonight was a dark night. Exhaustion is winning this game. Volunteering graveyard is becoming an endurance test. The cold, discomfort, uneasy, maddening, pointless, fear, screams in the street, sirens every hour. Joseph lived here for resisting Potiphar’s wife. It feels as though it will never end. I’m looking for the cupbearer. Where is he?
I’m falling asleep in my chair while I roll toilet paper. All alone in the clubhouse past midnight. The monotony drumming itself like a strange lullaby into my brain. The fog of it rolling over me and then I snap back to reality, stand up, shake my legs, roll some more. I studied midwifery for this? I’m trying to remember this is a promotion… this is a promotion… Doesn’t feel like it right now.
And earlier in the day, on three hours sleep, I realized that I could not even hold it together enough to work a reception job to make ends meet right now. I just need to stick my nose to the grindstone on this and get it done!
A text vibrates my purse which is strapped tightly to my side at all times. Too afraid to leave it anywhere now that the one drawer I trusted has broken. I sneak a peek.
“I’m sorry ur feeling down. I know ur going through a lot of shit right now but it will get better soon. Not many more days til ur half way through with ur community service right?! 🙂 after that’s over I’m sure things will start looking up. Everything ur going through is totally undeserved bullshit but at least ur not in jail and u can still hug ur kiddos! 🙂 try not to get too down Katie, ur awesome!!”
It’s these little bits of manna scattered throughout the days and nights that gets me through. The random texts, emails, calls, donations. Reminding me that I am not alone. It is the loneliness that allows depression to take hold. I’m an extrovert and this is slowly starving me of the air I breathe.
I need to get off the graveyard shift. I need to be around people.