Day 29: 85.5 Hours Remaining

My kids and I picked up a few small toiletries and snacks and placed them in small blue gift bags last night. This morning I brought them in to Eric for his vets. He looked like the Veterans Day Santa Claus passing them out throughout the morning which made me very happy.

Mark poked his head in the laundry room and whined, “I didn’t get no bag. An I served this country fo fifty years!”

“Wow. You sho look good for 70 years old!” I quipped back at him. We both laughed, but I knew deep down he did feel left out. Any time I bring in anything there is whining from who ever “didn’t get none.”

I do the same thing. Always whining about why I don’t get to catch babies. Why I don’t get to have a home for my children and I. Why I don’t have a husband who loves me. Why I don’t get child support. Why I don’t have a kitchen. Why I don’t have access to most of my belongings. Why I don’t have a paying job.

I really want to change my tune and talk about all the wonderful blessings I do have and not compare myself to all the folks around me. I want to be thankful that my kids are healthy and wild and creative and beautiful. I want to be thankful that I get to see them and am not in prison. Heck, I want to be grateful that I’m not locked up in a mental institution or having medications shoved down my throat. I’m super happy I am NOT with the man who married me and mistreated me instead of loving me. I am grateful that I have wonderful friends who read about this crazy journey God has me on.

I did a half a day because I was drawn away to a lunch time wedding on the beach for a dear friend. It’s 11/11/11 and apparently folks think it’s a good day to tie the knot. At least it removes any excuses for why the hubby can’t remember his anniversary!

I saw a friend at the wedding that I had not really talked at length to in over a year. Having been institutionalized himself in his younger days I felt like I understood a lot about him that I didn’t “get” before I was taken away in handcuffs. I felt like I’ve been spun around in a dryer and am now being presented to him as a totally different person. At least I feel completely different. I’m more socially phobic for anything but hellos and smiles and superficial greetings. At the same time I am fearful of the shallow, surface talk. I want intimacy but don’t know how to handle it at the same time.

Eric brought the 86 year old by my laundryroom to introduce me as the one who gave him a bag. He is, apparently, a World War II vet. He smiled at me, his hand shaking as he clutched the little blue gift bag. I smiled back and then ran away. I literally fled from the confrontation being anything more than a quick greeting. What would I say? How do you hold space for people after being smashed into the ground for doing so? How do you keep your heart wide open after the openness itself has been chastised?

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About supportmidwifekatiemccall

Katie McCall was born at Pomona Valley Hospital in Southern California by scheduled c-section as a frank breech due to the current medical system insistence that breeches should always be delivered that way. Katie's father's family was filled with teachers, her mother's family was filled with healers. It is no surprise then, that she went on to have her own two children and spend her adult life involved in a combination of teaching and healing through midwifery, childbirth education, doula work and serving families in Southern California. Katie attended USC for her general education and then went on to study with the American Academy of Husband Coached Childbirth to become a certified childbirth educator. Shortly thereafter, she certified as a birth doula (labor assistant) with the Association of Labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators. Katie was also mentored through a pregnancy and birth support business called The Birth Connection in Glendale, CA, which Katie later purchased and expanded to include a 1500 square foot education facility, retail store and birthing center. She enrolled in midwifery school and apprenticed with the midwives who ran the birth center as well as with midwives who attended homebirths. She sold her business to pursue her midwifery education full time in 2006 and passed her midwifery (NARM) exam to become a Certified Professional Midwife in 2008. She went on to gain her Midwifery License from the State of CA Medical Board in 2010. Katie has received supplementary education in lactation to become a lactation educator, vaginal birth after cesarean support, support of sexual abuse survivors, aromatherapy and is neonatal and CPR certified. She assisted over 500 couples through childbirth education and attended over 550 births as of 2011. As a Southern California native, she has a wide range of experience, serving mothers from diverse backgrounds. She believes her job is one of empowering women to develop their own trust and connection with their bodies and their babies during their own unique journey into motherhood. If she has learned anything through her experience with birth, it is that every birth is as different as the women who are laboring. On August 17th, 2011 Katharine “Katie” McCall, a licensed midwife, was convicted of practicing medicine with out a license for a 2007 birth she assisted as a student. The charge arose from a home birth where Katie's supervising midwife could not arrive because she was at another birth. Instead of leaving the family to birth unassisted, Katie stayed. She recommended that the family transfer to the hospital and the family refused. They were aware that she was only a student midwife and that she was unable to secure an overseeing mid View all posts by supportmidwifekatiemccall

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